From an Airborne Veteran ...
How does one begin to explain themselves? Sounds easy, right! If so, then why is my hand shaking. Like I am punching in coordinates. The heaviness on my shoulders, the dull pain in my guts. Then, I realize this is not easy.
I am Jon. I am an ex-Commando, Paratrooper. I am a Somalia Veteran. However, if you thought I was going to go into detail and discuss the mission, and what our government did to us then you are anticipating too much at this point. For what is a story without a face to put it to. I like to think of myself as normal, perhaps even middle of the road. I know this is an injustice to you in understanding me and an injustice to myself for not living up to who I am. I am a complex person. I lived a life of contradictions. And have had both advantages and disadvantages to thinking outside the box. I can only speak of the now and how I feel... And how do I feel? I am so tired, so mentally and physically exhausted. Going on with the way things are now just daunts me to the point of numbed stupidity. In no way is this a cry for help. It never is because I am not asking for it. If I really wanted to do the unthinkable, and take the final dirt nap, would I take the time to lay it out in this format? I haven't the care or the hubris.
So why does this matter? Because if you follow the twisted distorted path long enough it will take you back to a place. A place where things seemed less complicated. Not from the start but from a place where the stable became unstable, and spun like a dying planet, crashing into the sun. I have done away with all relationships. How can I love when my heart and soul has been ripped out of my chest, not by a woman, a past amour, or friend. No, by myself, and all that I held true at one point in my life. And those who we stood for, all we have stood for. Watched as we were bled from the crucifix. Stabbed and speared, until all that remained of our souls was the bile oozing out. Laying at our feet as we die.
Do you have any clue what you did? Do you even know how everything in me is gone? And not just gone, but ceased to exist gone. I am tired as I watch my life unravel and fall apart. And my only solace is I have lost the ability to care... for anything. I feel the surface emotions, when I watch kids play, or see a dog running in the park. I feel more, my heart ceasing to beat. My pulse is dead and I just stare blankly and smile. Like I am at peace, being led to my execution. How do I survive from this? I don’t know but I have to keep doing this. Speaking and writing, and it will lead to somewhere. Where? I dont know! But thinking about the where is when I feel my heart beat again. And, I remember just how nice it is to feel my heart and soul begin to sing again. Even if it is just for a moment.
More to come...trust me. Go easy on yourselves!!
Jon Kelleher
How does one begin to explain themselves? Sounds easy, right! If so, then why is my hand shaking. Like I am punching in coordinates. The heaviness on my shoulders, the dull pain in my guts. Then, I realize this is not easy.
I am Jon. I am an ex-Commando, Paratrooper. I am a Somalia Veteran. However, if you thought I was going to go into detail and discuss the mission, and what our government did to us then you are anticipating too much at this point. For what is a story without a face to put it to. I like to think of myself as normal, perhaps even middle of the road. I know this is an injustice to you in understanding me and an injustice to myself for not living up to who I am. I am a complex person. I lived a life of contradictions. And have had both advantages and disadvantages to thinking outside the box. I can only speak of the now and how I feel... And how do I feel? I am so tired, so mentally and physically exhausted. Going on with the way things are now just daunts me to the point of numbed stupidity. In no way is this a cry for help. It never is because I am not asking for it. If I really wanted to do the unthinkable, and take the final dirt nap, would I take the time to lay it out in this format? I haven't the care or the hubris.
So why does this matter? Because if you follow the twisted distorted path long enough it will take you back to a place. A place where things seemed less complicated. Not from the start but from a place where the stable became unstable, and spun like a dying planet, crashing into the sun. I have done away with all relationships. How can I love when my heart and soul has been ripped out of my chest, not by a woman, a past amour, or friend. No, by myself, and all that I held true at one point in my life. And those who we stood for, all we have stood for. Watched as we were bled from the crucifix. Stabbed and speared, until all that remained of our souls was the bile oozing out. Laying at our feet as we die.
Do you have any clue what you did? Do you even know how everything in me is gone? And not just gone, but ceased to exist gone. I am tired as I watch my life unravel and fall apart. And my only solace is I have lost the ability to care... for anything. I feel the surface emotions, when I watch kids play, or see a dog running in the park. I feel more, my heart ceasing to beat. My pulse is dead and I just stare blankly and smile. Like I am at peace, being led to my execution. How do I survive from this? I don’t know but I have to keep doing this. Speaking and writing, and it will lead to somewhere. Where? I dont know! But thinking about the where is when I feel my heart beat again. And, I remember just how nice it is to feel my heart and soul begin to sing again. Even if it is just for a moment.
More to come...trust me. Go easy on yourselves!!
Jon Kelleher
Airborne Veteran: Blog #2
I look through eyes that continually scan. I display all characteristics and still find faults. I realize that I am staring at my reflection in the glass, as others pass by, as my life passes by. Soon those who love me will be no more, gone, only to become distant memories. I feel the tears well up but they refuse to flow, down cheeks clenched in anger. For all that I was is all that I am. I have seen what life was, however, it has no bearing on my future. I scoff at the gestures and pain at the word... Brotherhood! Oh brotherhood...is really misunderstood.
I fall on my sword but nobody hears, the thud of my body and blood soon to pour out of my body and onto this land, where my brothers and I swore our last stand. You have given me meaning and my soul lights a torch, I gave everything for all, and never questioned the source. I have learned to hate and despise all that is pure, the hands that reach, offer little cure. I know it’s so easy to cast off the blame, and I know my brothers are feeling the same. But I need to be done with your promises not kept, before my body releases my soul's final sleep. Never once did I question my will to fight with anger and determined I am still. You go and leave me to fend on my own, our bonds in blood are becoming unsown. No, I bid farewell and say to each one, my day ends with the setting of the sun. And never again can one drain from me, another false cry, for my soul is free.
BROTHERHOOD … It’s just a word. It means so much but in my reality I have learned its extent and am willing to call it for what it is. It is just a word, a word... just one word, wars and battles began on just one word. Love was conquered on just one word. This word, however, has become less and less in my life. Don’t be angered with my stance. It is just one word....that is all. I just know the truth, the meaning behind it and choose to live, or gain some sense of honesty. To regain the promises kept before that one word was uttered into my ear. BROTHERHOOD !!! Its just a word....and from here in...that is all it will be. Live for yourselves and those who truly love you and you will find new single words to enrich your life ... Empathy. Compassion. Peace. Freedom.
How can we hold in such high regard that which strips us of every emotion that is pure and decent? I refuse to live by this anymore, I don’t expect you or anyone to understand. I can’t live your life, your goals and dreams. I swore to protect others in their quest to find absolute choice and reason. I now must give myself the chance to live free of this bondage. That I have given away so freely to others to use and discard at will. Now, I will take control of my will, I am going to regain the control I lost so long ago. I am taking back what I gave to you. Through Duty, Honour, and Country, I have paid past my dues and I am taking back what is left. That is all that I want. I put you to sleep or cast you into the flames, that have burned uncontrollably forever and scarred my hands, as I reached in every time to pull you out. But you were never there and I despise you for allowing me to scar myself.
Only now can I say thank you - For teaching me the one important lesson that will help me live - SURVIVE!! It is not how I saw this formulating but I have no choice. I must regain something of life before it leaves my sight.
I fall on my sword but nobody hears, the thud of my body and blood soon to pour out of my body and onto this land, where my brothers and I swore our last stand. You have given me meaning and my soul lights a torch, I gave everything for all, and never questioned the source. I have learned to hate and despise all that is pure, the hands that reach, offer little cure. I know it’s so easy to cast off the blame, and I know my brothers are feeling the same. But I need to be done with your promises not kept, before my body releases my soul's final sleep. Never once did I question my will to fight with anger and determined I am still. You go and leave me to fend on my own, our bonds in blood are becoming unsown. No, I bid farewell and say to each one, my day ends with the setting of the sun. And never again can one drain from me, another false cry, for my soul is free.
BROTHERHOOD … It’s just a word. It means so much but in my reality I have learned its extent and am willing to call it for what it is. It is just a word, a word... just one word, wars and battles began on just one word. Love was conquered on just one word. This word, however, has become less and less in my life. Don’t be angered with my stance. It is just one word....that is all. I just know the truth, the meaning behind it and choose to live, or gain some sense of honesty. To regain the promises kept before that one word was uttered into my ear. BROTHERHOOD !!! Its just a word....and from here in...that is all it will be. Live for yourselves and those who truly love you and you will find new single words to enrich your life ... Empathy. Compassion. Peace. Freedom.
How can we hold in such high regard that which strips us of every emotion that is pure and decent? I refuse to live by this anymore, I don’t expect you or anyone to understand. I can’t live your life, your goals and dreams. I swore to protect others in their quest to find absolute choice and reason. I now must give myself the chance to live free of this bondage. That I have given away so freely to others to use and discard at will. Now, I will take control of my will, I am going to regain the control I lost so long ago. I am taking back what I gave to you. Through Duty, Honour, and Country, I have paid past my dues and I am taking back what is left. That is all that I want. I put you to sleep or cast you into the flames, that have burned uncontrollably forever and scarred my hands, as I reached in every time to pull you out. But you were never there and I despise you for allowing me to scar myself.
Only now can I say thank you - For teaching me the one important lesson that will help me live - SURVIVE!! It is not how I saw this formulating but I have no choice. I must regain something of life before it leaves my sight.
